Sunday, August 5, 2012

Xavier- Hope

Dear Experiment 327,

Haha, I'm glad you enjoyed that. And I'm really glad I brought you a short moment of happiness. I really wish you could feel that all the time. Who knows? Someday you will.

I never thought of it that way. That is a very interesting concept. Maybe giving up was an advantage for me. It's definitely something to think about, and I will. Thank you for giving me something to occupy my mind with, something else to think about other than where my next meal's coming from.

The facility created a huge gap in my life that I've been trying to fill ever since. Who I was as a child and who I am now are two completely different people (naturally, of course). As a kid, I was fearless. I thought I knew it all, and I had amazing street smarts. That, of course, is what got me caught. Today, I would describe myself as fearful of everything. I'm scared, worried, sick, and fragile. But that's what keeps me living. That's what the facility taught me. It broke down my selfish pride and it gave me real street smarts. I fully believe that the mutants who were in a facility and managed to break out have a great advantage over the others. I hope that some day you will have that advantage as well.

I wonder how people do it- lock the memories away. Though that's so bad for their mental stability... When I broke out I promised myself I'd keep the memories fresh and alive. If I locked them up, I'd go insane. I wouldn't live another day. I remember watching people die and I remember their screams. Maybe you remember mine? You and everyone else in that facility would have been the last people to hear my voice. I can't exactly describe it, because I don't remember what it sounds like. Even then, I had no idea. Like you said, we weren't allowed to talk. All I knew was the sound of my screaming, and that's very different from the sound of a voice.

The thought of possibly meeting you one day gives me a renewed hope. It gives me something to look forward to. I would love to make that happen. I would love to show you the outside world, the sun and the air. It's a dismal world, but compared to being in the facility it.. It almost gives you hope.

I think there are some with hope left over. Those who have been shown the darkest corners of the dead Earth and still live to tell the tale. I think I have hope too, somewhere deep inside of me. Hope for humanity, hope for the world. But every waking hour I live challenges that. I know nothing will change in my life time. I'll have to survive in this world until I die. But I live thinking that maybe if I can make even one person smile in their darkest hours, then my life was worth it. So thank you for sharing with me that you laughed. I could die right here, right now and be perfectly happy. It was all worth it. For a split second, I considered it. Dying happy. But I couldn't leave my companion behind, not now.

I want to give you hope, too. I want you to know that you are not forgotten. That even in that cell prison where not even the sun light reaches, time still flows. Air still moves. You still breathe. Even in your darkest hours you smiled and laughed. That's proof enough that there's still a tiny flame inside you. If you want out, you gotta let it burn. Like I said before, become obsessed. Sometimes, in that facility, what stops us aren't the walls made of cement that contain us. What stops us are the walls we build over our hearts. So break 'em down.

...Oh God, it happened again. I got really off track and all sappy and stuff. I'm sorry. I must sound absolutely ridiculous. I wouldn't even talk (well, it's not really talking..) that way around my companion, who I've known for years now. I use sign to communicate, and I don't ever say much. I guess I just took the opportunity to ramble. If you ever wanna tell me to shut up... Don't hesitate. Please. I'm an expert at shutting up.

As for how I remembered my name... I had a way. I'm very sorry to hear that you gave up. Have you considered re-naming yourself?

I gotta admit, your days probably aren't too thrilling. Mine weren't. But tell me about them anyway. Every detail. I'm starving for conversation, and I'm sure you are too.

More scientist? That's, ah.. Since when did they need more scientists? They always had more than enough. This project of theirs must be something huge. New machinery to Harvest.... That worries me. Thank you for the information. You could very well have saved our lives. I wish I had news for you. I will keep on the look out for anything that may prove useful to you.

I'm also very sorry to hear that you'll be showcased. ...Where will they be showcasing you? If it is not too much to ask.

How we met? That's a long story. A really freaking long story. It's complicated, too. I'm sorry. I hope you understand.

I hope to hear from you soon.

-Xavier

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Experiment 327- Ha

Dear Xavier,

I think it's the first time I've laughed in awhile. Just getting your letters and then hearing how much they mean to you as well. It was such an odd sound to hear come from my own mouth. I had to stop, wondering what was wrong with me before I realized it was normal, I was meant to make those kinds of noises, because it meant I was happy. I don't remember the last time I've felt this way, but thank you so much.

I can't help but disagree, but I don't want to argue much on the matter. You seem to be a humble person. Giving up doesn't make you weak you know, just means that you're smart enough to know you want to live another day, because sometimes you need to give up and start over when you are more ready. Going through things when you are not ready is what kills you. If you consider yourself stupid, it seems to me like the word has taken on an entire new meaning.

It is difficult to get rid of, considering it was your entire childhood, but I've heard of so many people suddenly becoming empty shells, refusing to remember and letting whatever happened to them happen. It was sad to see those types of things happen to those people. They died so quickly, it was painful to watch. It was painful to experience their pain when I was made to heal them of their injuries.

I didn't think I would forget. If I ever leave, if I ever get the chance to see outside these walls, I know this place will always linger in my mind, whether I want to forget or not. I hope that one day I will be strong enough to find my way out of this building, some way to escape and perhaps meet with you, because I feel like I have no other purpose at the moment then to keep living and to keep writing these letters to you in hopes of one day I can thank you personally for everything you've done for me.

In all honestly.. If I lose my power I suppose that means I've died. Trust me when I say I would rather push myself and collapse from exhaustion writing you these letters than to have them testing their new machines on me and collapsing that way.

It's amazing you remembered yours with how young you entered and how long you've stayed, but I guess I have no excuse. I'd like to blame them, the way they treated me, I felt like I didn't need to remember anything, but it's my fault. I could have remembered and could have told it to myself everyday, but in the beginning, I gave up and I let them do what they wanted with me without much fight.

Ha. My days are not so interesting. You must remember what they are like, if anything, the only difference is I get to watch those around me injured and crying for help as I am forced to save them. Their wounds become mine and they almost look bitter to know they will live another day. It hurts me to see such an expression, because I wish they were more happy to know they are alive, but unlike me, they have no hopes of escaping. Tomorrow they plan to bring in more scientists, so I've been told by the one who carries these letters between us. Showing off their strongest mutants they have. Unfortunately I seem to be one of them, along with a few others. The only ones who seem to be still fighting. They like that. They like the struggle and then the punishment that comes with it. It's sickening just to think about it.

I am glad to hear you are not alone. How did you meet her? I hope that you two stay together in your travels. It would be difficult staying on your own out there and it would be lonely. Very lonely I imagine. I can understand your feelings with the nightmares. I have them as well and I fear they will only get worse, maybe driving me insane. I'm not one to be paralyzed with fear from them. I scream, the only sound I know, since speaking is forbidden.

He would not tell me much, just they plan on using new machinery to collect people like us. Please be careful with your companion. It would devastate me to hear you've both been caught.

-Experiment 327

Xavier- Stupidity

Dear Experiment 327,

Hearing you say how much this means to you means so much to me. The fact that I can make even the smallest difference is absolutely amazing. I will be perfectly honest with you; I love getting your letters. I love hearing from you. Maybe I'm hanging onto the past, but it's almost like.. I need this. I always felt so alone, and even though I left I still feel alone. Maybe I'm being a little selfish, I don't know. But I just need to hear someone else's voice. I need to know there's someone out there, who's in the same position I was. And if I can do anything to help, then maybe I haven't lived for absolutely nothing.

I guess it might seem that way, but I'm not strong willed at all haha. I feel like sometimes I just give up so easily. I try not to deal with problems, so most of the time I'll just joke around to try and avoid it. If someone brings up the topic of the facilities, I'll crack a joke and then change the subject. I'm not strong willed, I'm stupid. I just happened to be the right kind of stupid. Maybe that's what's been keeping us alive this whole time. Stupidity.

I can imagine what that must be like. No- rather, I know what that feels like. I felt it every day. I want this burden to go away, but how do I make it go away? How do I erase an entire childhood? I'm not happy. I'll never be happy until I get rid of this, and it'll never go away. This is the life I live- what you and I live.

That firey will- don't let it go away. I'll be honest with you, even if you get out you'll never forget it. You'll always remember it. But being out here is so much better than being there. Yes, I have to live with the memories. But I never have to live with the pain again. That's what I wish for you. I want you here, with the rest of us humans. Surviving. Together. So don't let that fire go away. Let it burn, let it grow. Let it fester. Become obsessed.

You have a very interesting power. Don't be stupid like me and loose it. But I hate hearing that the Government has you on display, it breaks my heart. Please do not push yourself just to try and write to me. I'm not worth it.

You do not remember your name? I was able to remember mine. But I have heard of many people forgetting theirs. It's definitely not uncommon. You are interested in hearing about me? That's surprising. I'm much more interested in hearing about you and how you're doing. Even on a normal daily basis. But I don't mind talking to you about me at all. For once I'm not nervous about telling someone else about how I'm doing and about my life.

No, I'm not alone. I travel with a woman, she's a really good friend. Things are alright for me now. I have many nightmares, but things are okay. I'm much happier than I was in the facility, which is a plus. I have not crossed paths with anyone else like us. I wish I had, but I have not. I can not think of anything else I could possibly share, though. What would you like to know?

Haha, you're right about that. They've always been impatient. What is it that they want this time?

-Xavier


Experiment 327- Thank you

Dear Xavier,

I might not know who you are, but just the mere fact you are taking your chances on giving me this letter means so much. I don't care if you hardly write anything. Or if everything I read isn't the truth, just having a letter that I can hold onto, something that isn't a part of this facility, it means very much to me.

I'm sorry to hear you've spent your childhood in a place like this. It's horrible. I can't imagine coming in here as a child and being able to survive for so long as you did. For you to last so long as well as make it out, you must be very strong willed, while the rest of us seem to be quickly losing our hope for survival. I wish that I could be that strong, but I'm stuck in here, begging for some human comfort and just a chance to breathe and eat normal food, not to scrounge around on the floor, crumbled in a heap as I try to collect myself.

It's amazing you still remember so much. The pain and the hurt. The collar, the torture, and the experiments. I can only assume how haunting it is to remember it all and remember there are people still here. If I could wish anything for you, I wish you could forget it all, because you do not deserve this burden that is weighing on your shoulders.

You should not feel sorry for me or for anyone else here. I am sure at the time no one would go with you. No one would dare move for they feared being caught and punished even more. You shouldn't feel this way at all and I'm sorry that you do. Please forgive yourself, because you did what you had to do. These letters are enough. They keep me going knowing that I have someone that I can speak honestly with. Where I can pour out the feelings I have after such a long and torturous day. To have someone willing to listen, it means so much more than you can imagine.

It's hard to say what keeps me going, because I do not know myself. I just have this will still fired inside me and I am afraid that one day it will go out, but due to my power, ending myself isn't easy. I have the power to heal others wounds, but in the process I gain their wound, but if it is a deadly cut to them, it's just a deep cut for me. My body heals very quickly, allowing me to take on those wounds as my own. I'm not sure if I am explaining this to you very well, but my hand is shaking very much and I'm trying my best to write with what I can. They don't feed us often and they have taken a liking to showing me off. Showing off how I can heal someone while taking on their wound, then healing quickly myself. It leaves me weak after awhile and even now it is difficult to hold this pencil in my hands, but I am determined to finish.

I don't remember so much before all this.. I don't even remember my own name, which I regret forgetting, because then I would be able to offer my name to you as you have done for me. Everything before this is a blur, right now it seemed difficult to remember, my memories are very foggy, but I will try harder to remember so that I can have stories to tell you as well, but right now. I am much more interested in hearing about you. If you don't mind talking to me about how things are now. Do you travel alone? How are things for you now? Have you crossed paths with other people that are like us?

Please tell me anything you are willing to share. The feed the fire that keeps me going and I hate to admit, but I need it. Their testing has been getting worse, they seem impatient almost, and it is taken out on us. Although they always seemed a bit impatient, huh?

-Experiment 327

Xavier- Here to Listen

Dear Experiment 327,

This is, quite frankly, the hardest thing I've ever written. I have so much to say, and I have no idea where to even start. I have so many things I want to tell you, so many experiences to share, and oh God I'm getting all sentimental and you don't even know who I am. Okay. I guess that's where I should start. I should at least tell you who I am.

My name is Xavier, but I don't have a last name. It's just Xavier. I'm somewhere in my early twenties (I can't remember the exact number anymore), and I'm a mutant like you. I had the power of sonic screams, thought I was stupid with it.

I was captured early on after The Awakening happened. I was one of the first picked right up off the streets, thrown into the closest facility. That facility happened to be the same one you're at right now. I stayed there for many years, though I never knew how long exactly. Time just... crawled. I went in as a kid and came out as a freaking man. I grew up there, it's all I know. And even though I've been out for a while now, I'm not over it. I'll never get over it. It's all I think about, it's what I sleep, eat, breathe, live with. Even though I got out, the memories are so real. I still have nightmares, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking I'm still there. That kind of place screws with your mind, and that's the kind of thing you never get over. Even after you leave.

I remember exactly what it was like. The Government picks you up off the streets, throws you in a cell. They have the freaking audacity to call it the "Harvesting". They strip you of your name, they annihilate all existing files of your existence, they make it so that you were never born. So the world won't miss you. Once you've been stripped of everything- name, home, life, sanity- the experiments begin and they don't ever end. Every day it's something else. And the metal collar never comes off. It itches, it hurts, it's heavy, it's a cruse. It's a reminder of all you have to go through each and every day, and it won't ever come off. A part of me feels like they designed that thing to be a collar just to drain the hope and sanity out of the unlucky soul that has to wear it.

I remember the starvation. They only feed enough to keep their toys alive. I remember the humility. There were no bathrooms. There was no where to sit down and rest. There was only you, the clothes you came in that slowly deteriorated, and the cement walls. They changed what it meant to take a restroom break. They made nudity a necessity, otherwise you were laying in your own blood and filth all the time. They stripped us of what was left of our humanity- which wasn't much to begin with.

I just want you to know that I understand. That I was there. And that I am sorry.

I had the chance to get out. I lost my power in the process, and with it my voice, but I got out. Alive. That's all that mattered. But I left the rest of you behind. I left you behind. I'm so freaking sorry, because in that moment I was so selfish. I won't ever be able to forgive myself for it, I never have and I never will. I don't know what to do to make it up to you.

I want to know more than anything, how do you still do it? How do you survive? What keeps you from... Ending it yourself, if you know what I mean? And.. am I allowed to ask some more hard questions? It's alright to say no. If it's too much, I'll stop. It would be too much for me, that much I know.

I wanna know about you. Tell me about you, about your life before the facility. Before The Awakening. Tell me everything, I'm here to listen. And that's what I wanna do.

-Xavier